I better start by saying I’m sorry.
I know I have the tendency to say sorry for everything to everyone, because I’m insecure that way. But this time, this sorry, I know for sure you deserve it and it’s long overdue.
From the very first day we met, you were the best. You never unnecessarily tried to upset. You never once hurt me by your actions, or by your words.
You never not look at me when I entered the room. You never once ignored me when I spoke to you.
I, on the other hand, failed so many times.
How is it that one could even begin to think that any of your cries were for nothing. This place is new to you. Everything is new to you. And all those times, you turned to me and Abi for guidance. For reassurance. Everything, understandably, was a big deal to you. Why is this container not opening? Why does my bum feel wet? Why is the sun in my eye?
You had no idea what was going on, and just needed answers, and if not answers, just comfort that all those things were ok.
But instead, when you turned to me, crying out of confusion, I made you more confused by dismissing those worries and telling you “don’t cry”. And now when I think back, I never gave you a reason – “why shouldn’t you cry? Is it all ok?”
Even worse, sometimes I would get annoyed and angry and disregard you altogether.
I’m so so sorry, my dear baby boy.
You are that proof of true unconditional love in a humanly form.
And to just think God’s love for us is bigger and better than all that, brings me to tears.
You are the one who can smile and laugh to me, right after I scold you, but realise my fault and hug you.
You are the one who can kiss me even though right before that, I ignored you because I needed space.
My struggles to become “the mother” that I have always wanted to be is so real and you know how real it is. Perhaps you already realise and recognise all my flaws. Perhaps you are the one that will one day coach me.
And He reminds us that you, and all our future children, are our gifts.
But how spoilt and shallow minded can I be. Thinking that a gift always has to be what is pleasing to me there and then.
You, my beautiful son, are definitely a gift.
Those days I ask myself, what am I doing with my life, how can I help these people, how can I volunteer for that cause, how can I comfort that sister, etc.
I really should have realised that perhaps my grand opportunity to (hopefully) attain jannah, to please Him, is through you.
All those opportunities for me to be patient, to smile when I really felt like crying, to speak softly and explain yet again, even when I felt like getting annoyed.
All those times opportunities for me to hug you and comfort you and teach you, all those opportunities to prove that I am someone that would help one in need – so so many opportunities.
You are a gift. Every child is.
A gift from Him. Where else am I going to get those daily opportunities to get closer to Him and jannah?
SubhanAllah. The more I write and think about it, the more it becomes clearer to me.
Never should I ever say (or think), “you owe me because I am your mother” – maybe, you do, maybe you don’t Allah knows best. What I am sure about though, is I should be grateful to Him for you, not only because of your beautiful smile, your cutest laugh, your wonderful attitude, but most of all, because perhaps, you are my means to jannah.
I hope I’ll be better to you Zac.
And I hope I get to be near you in jannah – just like how we’ve always been for the past 15 months.