The Beginning

“What do you want to do?”

I love that question. Because it’s so hard to answer.

So hard, because unlike my old self, I no longer want to be trapped in a single role and be limited to the job scope imposed upon me. It was just 2 years ago that I would have been absolutely fine with a job. Even a career would be a little of a “OK, I’ll probably think of it as I go along”

So hard, because now being .a mother, it really is no longer solely about what want to do. It’s more of a juggling stunt, a really intense and long long juggling stunt, between the morning to evening shifts of being a mother and wife, the late night shifts of being a CA student, the constant shifts of being an ambitious, interested-in-everything-but-can’t-quite-put-my-finger-on-it person, and the on-call shifts of attending to my rollercoaster emotions that are mostly (probably) caused by the surge of new experiences that have been rolling in since 2015.

It’s hard, but I think, I now have to accept the challenge of addressing that question.

I used to have burning urge to help people. Don’t get me wrong, I still do – allow me to elaborate.

If you asked me that same questions “What do you want to do?” a few years ago, it would’ve been a no-brainer; “I want to help people” would have been my answer.

A pretty useless answer, huh? Yeah, I know.

Let me tell you why, it’s only now, a few years down the line and just a tad bit more mature, that I realise how incredibly useless that answer is.

It’s so ambiguous.

And ever since I’ve assumed the role of mother and wife I’ve realised that more often than not, in the “real world”, ambiguous goals don’t bring you very far in life. It’ll probably take up some ink from your pen for writing it down in that $50 Kikki.K notebook of yours – but really, it doesn’t achieve anything tangible. You don’t write “Be productive” in your notebook and expect to achieve (or even remember to do) the following tasks in a timely manner (forgive me for borrowing too much vocab from the business school textbooks; it’s a part of me now I can’t help it):

  1. Pray fajr
  2. Have coffee, read news
  3. Change son’s nappy, give morning milk, bath him and brush his teeth
  4. Make breakfast for son, husband and yourself
  5. (Try to sneak in time) to brush your teeth, hair and maybe even a shower
  6. Play with son, Pinterest search games to play with 11 month old, and try to implement
  7. Housework while son naps, prepare lunch
  8. Accompany son play, but he has his playtime alone, while I continue making lunch or tend to household administrative stuff
  9. Have lunch, pray, read Quran
  10. [Time put aside for whatever needs to be done that day, week; eg groceries, etc]
  11. Pray, dinner
  12. Get son ready for bed
  13. Clean kitchen once son has slept
  14. Study
  15. Spend some time with husband
  16. Sleep

You see why being ambiguous won’t help me achieve that above on a daily routine; not to mention the times that other miscellaneous things come up that need to be addressed.

So here I am. Finally, working on a blog.

I have decided to get over the fear of crowding the cyberspace with my unworthy opinions and thoughts. I have decided that it is probably worthwhile to help with my writing – at least the ones that make it through the selection process (God knows I have entries that make me cringe even just after 5 minutes of writing them).

Not only help others, but also to help myself.

Writing is therapeutic because it forces the writer to put his/her thoughts into a somewhat structured format. So you’re forced to face your thoughts head on; the ones that are were obvious, blazing in your mind, as well as those that you didn’t quite know were there.

So here it is. One unambiguous action point to my goal and a tangible daily to-do task

This blog, I hope, is at least a partial achievement of what want to do.

To help. Whoever.

 

Bismillah. The journey begins.

 

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